I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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