The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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