Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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