Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
