I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
