Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
