I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
