No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
