On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
