I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
