What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
