Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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