garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
