i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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