I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
