You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
