dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
