bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
