Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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