I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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