I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
