Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
