I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
