ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
He has the fingertips of a God
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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