Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
