MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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