Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
