I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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