I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
