Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
