I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
