Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize