I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
sex in a hospital.. check
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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