she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
