saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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