I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
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