Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
