I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
