remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
