Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
