Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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