I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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