Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
