Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
