He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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