did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
