I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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