I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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