As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
