i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
