What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
meet me or not, i'm out of control
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
