All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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