Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
