I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
We had sex on a dog bed..
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
