I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
