Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
