His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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