i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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