I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
