I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
